Recovery: A Recipe

I made this yesterday.  It is delicious, dense, and comforting.

Apple Spice Cake


1 1/2 c all-purpose flour
1/2 c whole wheat flour
2 t baking powder
1/2 t salt
1/2 t ground cinnamon
1/4 t ground nutmeg
1/2 t ground cloves
pinch of allspice
6 T softened unsalted butter
6 T light brown sugar
1/4 c molasses
2 eggs
1 t vanilla
1/4 c applesauce
2 apples

• Preheat oven to 325, butter and flour a 5x9 loaf pan
• In medium bowl, whisk together both flours, baking powder, salt, and spices
• with electric mixer, beat butter and brown sugar til fluffy (approx 4 minutes).  Add molasses, add eggs one at a time, plus vanilla til well blended
• with mixer on low, add 1/2 flour mixture, beat in applesauce, add remaining flour mixture
• peel and core apples, cut them into 1/4 in cubes, fold into batter (it will be seem like a whole lot of apple and not enough batter, but it works)
• put into pan, bake for approx 1 hour

Someone else needs to try this recipe.  I had it for breakfast, but I also had it with ice cream.  It was like apple pie.

Baking is one thing I've been doing to keep myself occupied.  But I need to start giving more away.

Swelling

I've discovered a bit of swelling on the left side of the upper portion of my incision.  It hasn't been tender like that lately, and I'm concerned.  Maybe I slept on it wrong?  Not sure, the incision, up until now, has been healing so nicely and I was even getting my range of motion back.

Aside from the unusual swelling, I seem to be continuing as I was - nothing happening.  I don't feel better.  I cry to my mom often about this fact, and I am constantly reminded that everyone is different, and logically it will take a while for the indentations in my brainstem to right themselves.  I know I need to be patient.  I know I need to give myself a break.  But you have to understand that I miss doing 'normal' things.  I miss having a schedule, going to the gym, sleeping normally.  It is unclear at this point when I will be able to get back to a somewhat normal life.

Speaking of normal, Georgia and I got back to flyballing (that's a fun little video for ya, although does not feature a beautiful black dog with an underbite) last night.  What a treat that was!  Georgia has been missing practice so much, and I haven't been working with her like I should be.  She was so happy, huge grin on her doggy face.  And I was happy to be there, happy to be back with friends enjoying time with my dog.  I'm hoping I can get in some more bike rides with George before the sun disappears for the next 6 months.  Bike rides as in I ride my bike, and Georgia runs wildly next to it at top speed.  Good times.

6 week check up with Dr. Heffez next week.

Slow going

I have emails stacked up in my inbox to take care of, but am having a hard time getting to them.  I seem to have slid backwards a bit - I am very tired and can't seem to get a good sleeping pattern.  I often have trouble falling asleep, sometimes trouble staying asleep.  I either don't at all get enough sleep and lay there exhausted, or I zonk out and sleep til 11:15, like today.  And yet, I still don't feel rested.

My body is quite sore - the usual pre-surgery pain in addition to more stiffness than I have experienced lately.  It hurts my neck to yawn, there is still obviously a lot of healing left to do.

When I started this blog, I made a promise to be as real as I could be.  It doesn't do anyone any good for me to sugarcoat anything.  Yes, I am trying to stay positive.  But that doesn't mean I need to tell myself and others that this recovery is all lollipops and rainbows, it is neither.  It is frustrating.  It is tiring, confusing, and full of ups and downs.

Sunshine

Today I have made it my mission to soak up as much vitamin D as possible.  You never know how much longer the sunny days will last, especially out here, so I want to take full advantage.

I'm lucky to have a husband that says, "Enjoy the sun.  Don't waste time with chores."  Ahh.  Love that guy.

Did aquafit class at the gym last night, tonight I'll go to yoga.  It was great to feel my muscles moving and working last night, I left tired and happy.

Discoveries

I thought a lot of things before I had this surgeries.  Lots of things I hoped, feared, wondered.  Through these weeks (three weeks now) I've learned a lot of things about myself.

• After the first week/2 weeks, I actually enjoy the simplicity and quietness of my life.  I'm a creature of routine, and now that I am used to my routine of nothing, I enjoy it
• I like cooking/baking way more than I thought.  It's amazing, when you have the time to do it, it takes on a whole new meaning.
• I much prefer my current life as a somewhat recluse, although I always knew I wasn't a social butterfly
• as much as I didn't believe it, I had hoped so desperately that after the surgery, I would be magically fixed.  Feel, for the first time in so many years, my body working how it should.  That didn't happen of course, but I had no idea how much I had wanted that
• I thought I would miss driving, miss working, miss the hustle and bustle of running errands.  I don't miss any of it.  Maybe it will take more time before I do miss it...  
• I am way better at destressing myself than I thought.  Right now, the absolute only thing that I am 'stressed' about is my recovery - is the huge question mark.  Will I ever feel better?  I'm not stressed about getting back to work, about money, about time, I'm not even overly stressed about missing the gym.  It amazes me.

As you know if you've been following this blog, there has been no change in my symptoms.  I still am tormented by the deafening ringing in my ears at night, my legs still ache, my head still hurts.  In fact, in the past week and a half, I felt like my recovery has been stagnant.  I'm not going forward, but I'm not going back.  Who's to really know, I suppose.  

I have my check up appt on Sept 8th - I return to Milwaukee with my dad and get another MRI.  After that, my appt with Dr. Heffez.  In a way, I hope the MRI shows that there hasn't been much improvement in the 'grooves' in my brainstem, I feel like that would give me hope that I have a long way to go, not that I've come as far as I could have come.  Because so far, I seem to have gotten no where.

A gift

This is the quilt my mom made me for in the hospital.  I used it when I got out and was in the hotel recovering until I got my staples out, and I use it all the time now that I'm home.  The photos don't do it justice!

Let's get physical

I'm active every day now.  Well, more active than I was.  I'm taking walks every day at a now very fast pace, more like a shopping pace.  Not browsing in TJ Maxx shopping pace, like to and from store shopping pace.  I have two dogs, it was only a matter of time before they demanded to get out of the house.  It feels fine to walk, I get tired and my legs hurt.  But that's no different than pre-surgery.

Next week I plan to head to the gym (it will have been over 4 weeks since I went last!  Yowzah!) with a friend and jog in the pool.  Maybe I'll do a yoga class, too.  Yoga would be nice since it's a lot of stretching, and can be challenging or not.

That all being said, I'm still having a very hard time falling asleep.  It takes hours.  I'm not on much, if any, pain medication anymore, and I don't want to count on that to zonk me out.  I'm going to try taking a hot bath right before bed to see if that helps.  It's really annoying because once I do fall asleep it takes me forever to get up in the morning.  I'm so groggy.  If I could just shift that schedule up a bit, I'd be happy with that.

Went into work just a little bit this week, 3 hours total.  Whooaaa,  I know.  It was nice, I went in and did some work on the computer, and left.  It was nice to get out, but I'm not yet able to stay too long in once place since I'm still doing (loosely) 2 hours up 1/2 hour down.  I'm not in a hurry to get back.  I'm not really in a hurry to do anything, actually.