Aches and pains. Still.

There are a lot of things I don't understand about life.  Like why people ever wore hypercolor, or what makes Facebook so addicting.  But I guess what I am struggling with understanding most is why I don't feel any better.

I had my surgery on July 26th.  It will soon be 5 months since I went under the knife.  That's crazy, seems like it happened yesterday.  For many weeks I told myself to trust and be patient, that it will take a long time to heal.  But now, almost 5 months later, I am out of patience.  I can no longer tell myself to wait, that relief will come.  I have waited so long, and no changes.  In fact, I am actually feeling a bit worse.  Before surgery I used to think, 'I will never get any lower, there is no lower.'  But I am.  I am lower than when I started this journey.  Not only am I physically feeling worse, but mentally I am worn out.  Getting my hopes up is exhausting.

There is nothing to say or do to make this better.  I don't want any words of encouragement.  I just wanted to say I am not better.  I am not healed.  I am not recovered.  I have no choice but to continue on with life, to continue to wait, to convince myself to be patient.  But how can you be patient for something you aren't sure will ever come?